I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
