yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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