Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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