neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
