So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
