Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
