if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
