I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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