my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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