Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
