Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Help. Why am I so naked?
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