awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
