I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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