im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
