every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im holly from the hills drunk
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize