If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
