can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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