Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
