pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
