We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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