My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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