so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Blood and glitter go together right?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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