These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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