Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
