rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
