and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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