im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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