I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
