This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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