Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
