So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
