there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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