I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
