She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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