the condom got lost in my hair
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
