i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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