Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
