Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
