Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
