My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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