nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
