i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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