They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We got so high we made milksteak
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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