he thought i was a dude.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Someone came in the potted fern
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
