don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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