it was like having sex with a tree stump
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
