Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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