new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
