if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
