My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
