cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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