Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
