Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
