Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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