I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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