i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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