Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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