the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
